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New Horizons Band - Dupage

Parent organization

New Horizons International Music Association

Local Bands

Naperville Municipal Band

American Wind Band

Lisle Community Band

Fox Valley Philharmonic

North Shore New Horizons Band

DePaul New Horizons Band

Kankakee Valley New Horizons Band on Facebook

Frankfort Brass Band on Facebook

West Suburban Concert Band


Naperville, IL

The official website of Naperville, IL

Park District/NHB 7-week courses

Beginner & intermediate courses, click on "Active Adults"

Quigley's Irish Pub menu

Just across the parking lot from rehearsal


Instrument Jokes

[Ed. I got these below from ]
"My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer." -- Cole Porter

"Don't bother to look, I've composed all this already." -- Gustav Mahler, to Bruno Walter who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria.

"I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve." -- Xavier Cugat

"[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time. They really are interested in music and art." -- Jean Sibelius, explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

"The amount of money one needs is terrifying..." -- Ludwig van Beethoven

"Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a living." -- Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

"Chaos is a friend of mine." -- Bob Dylan

"I am not handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my feet." -- Niccolo Paganini

"Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that? Otherwise you sleep all day." -- Ringo Starr

"What is the voice of song, when the world lacks the ear of taste?" -- Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats." -- Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint, Michigan.

"Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together." -- Mel Brooks

"Life can't be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years." -- William F. Buckley, Jr.

"You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow." -- Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain

"Berlioz says nothing in his music, but he says it magnificently." -- James Gibbons Hunekar

"If a young man at the age of twenty-three can write a symphony like that, in five years he will be ready to commit murder." -- Walter Damrosch on Aaron Copland

"There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major." -- Sergei Prokofiev

"I never use a score when conducting my orchestra... Does a lion tamer enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?" -- Dimitri Mitropolous

"God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way." -- Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

"Already too loud!" -- Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments.

"I really don't know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere." -- Frederic Chopin

"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano." -- Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

"Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them." -- Richard Strauss

"In opera, there is always too much singing." -- Claude Debussy

"An exotic and irrational entertainment." -- Samuel Johnson's definition of opera

"If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it." -- Pierre Beaumarchais, The Barber of Seville

"Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings." -- Robert Benchley

"I'd hate this to get out, but I really like opera." -- Ford Frick (Commissioner of Baseball)

"Oh how wonderful, really wonderful opera would be if there were no singers!" -- Gioacchino Rossini

"Movie music is noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica." -- Sir Thomas Beecham

"I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the twentieth century that have made giant strides in reverse." -- Bing Crosby

"Theirs [the Beatles] is a happy, cocky, belligerently resourceless brand of harmonic primitivism... In the Liverpudlian repertoire, the indulgent amateurishness of the musical material, though closely rivaled by the indifference of the performing style, is actually surpassed only by the ineptitude of the studio production method. (Strawberry Fields suggests a chance encounter at a mountain wedding between Claudio Monteverdi and a jug band.)" -- Glenn Gould

"A ponderous orchestral absurdity." -- Frank Zappa on his rock symphony debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic.

"It's pretty clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of undifferentiated weirdness." -- Jerry Garcia


These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri, circa 1989. Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

Tubas are a bit too much.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

You should always say 'celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

A harp is a nude piano.

My favorite composer is Opus.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.

I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.